Congratulations to Eggs, the #1 food search term in 2013, and to the Aviation Cocktail, the #1 cocktail search term. Claude Debussy’s 151th Birthday was the top clicked-on Google Doodle, and more people hoped to learn How to Tie a Tie than ever before. Chili was the most popular recipe, Pregnancy Symptoms the hottest medical search, and Ricin edges out MDMA as the most popular chemical substance.

A Politically Correct Wish For A Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays

By Sean Carter

To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countries nor the only “America” in the Western Hemisphere.

Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the person or persons to whom this wish is sent.

To My Conservative Friends:
God Bless You and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Kanye Wept: The Voice Of Uh Generation

By Zach Whitten

You know, it took a lot of soul searching, but I think I’ve finally become convinced that Kanye West is indeed the voice of this generation.
He is a masterfully emotional lyricist, whose words can move like no other. As exemplified by this portion of the (probably) critically acclaimed Bound 2. Get into the Holiday spirit and/or have your life changed.

“So hey, maybe we can make it to Christmas
She asked me what I wished for on my wishlist
Have you ever asked your bitch for other bitches?
Maybe we could still make it to the church steps
But first, you gon’ remember how to forget
After all these long-ass verses
I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept”

Let’s just take a moment to analyze these powerful lyrics shall we?

“So hey, maybe we can make it to Christmas.”
Here Kanye is illustrating the difficulty that comes with being in a relationship. No matter who you are with, relationships always enter some kind of shaky ground at some point, and one or both parties involved question the security of the relationship. Kanye knows this, but still holds a hope that he and his loved one can make it to one of the happiest and most stressful times of the year. Christmas is a time of joy, but there are also many worries that come with it. Buying presents on a tight budget, meeting family members for the first time, travel woes, overeating and feeling disgusting about yourself. All of these can be very difficult for a fledgling relationship. But if you can make it to, and through Christmas together, it’s a pretty good sign that you can manage most of life’s hiccups.

“She asked me what I wished for on my wishlist”
You know, some people like to be surprised, but others don’t. Kanye and his significant other know that buying presents for someone can be difficult, and sometimes it’s just easier and more efficient for everyone if you just ask the person what they want, and then get it for them. That way you’re not having to guess and hope that you guessed correctly, and the other person doesn’t potentially get something that they don’t appreciate or will never use. I totally understand Kanye, I totally understand.

“Have you ever asked your bitch for other bitches?”
Now this one was particularly moving for me, because Kanye is describing a moment that I’m sure was quite emotional for him. We’ve all had a pet that has grown old (in this case Kanye’s dog). It’s just something that happens because of our different life spans. Kanye’s dog was on its last legs, and I’m sure it was a difficult time for Kanye, and he needed help to get through it. He wanted to get another puppy, but he didn’t want to disrespect the bond that he had with his previous dog. So, in his pet’s final days, he felt the need to ask her if he could have permission to get another pet, to help him through this emotional time. Now dogs can’t speak of course, but I’m sure Kanye could see in her eyes that she was accepting of her fate, and that it was ok for him to get another animal to help and guide him through this significant life event.

Oh god I need a moment.




Ok I’m back.

“Maybe we could still make it to the church steps.”
Here again Kanye questions, as I’m sure we all have, the role his relationship plays in his life. He and his significant other have made it through Christmas, and now they’re thinking of taking that big step, marriage. Here is where you truly need to question what your relationship means to you, and whether you think it can stand the test of time. Marriage is not a commitment made lightly, and Kanye knows this (even though his potential wife may not).

But I digress. Kanye knows that life has its ups and downs, and sharing those ups and downs with someone can be complicated. So he acknowledges that though there is a desire to engage in holy matrimony, sometimes life has a way of going off course, and things don’t always end up the way you plan. But you can always hope for the best.

“But first, you gon’ remember how to forget”
This one is pretty straightforward. No one is perfect in this life, and sometimes you just have to learn to let things slide and forgive and forget, otherwise you’ll never be able to develop any kind of profound relationships with anyone.

“After all these long-ass verses”
Here Kanye kind of breaks the fourth wall in his eloquent storytelling, and acknowledges that, though his lyrics may be poignant, he can sometimes be long-winded. But depth requires length at times. Don’t you apologize for your greatness Kanye.
I would also like to point out my appreciation for Kanye’s use of the hyphen here. Without it, the listener/reader might confuse its meaning to signify long verses on the subject of the buttocks (which Kanye is guilty of as well)

“I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept”
A great ending to a great stanza. Kanye is tired because creating such art takes its toll on the mind and body. You, the listener, are tired because taking in such beauty can be emotionally taxing. And Jesus wept for us all because of the trials man pushes upon man, purposefully or without.

In conclusion, you go Kanye, you go. Tell the story of us all.

Also, I’m pretty sure I have too much time on my hands.

The Web Says “No Thanks” to HubSpot

The Internet is a fickle mistress, and her whims are often hard to predict, even for professional marketing types. HubSpot’s latest foray into branded entertainment parodies the recent viral hit “The Fox” by Norwegian comedy duo Ylvis. In the video, called “What Does The Web Say,” HubSpot’s Senior Inbound Marketing Consultant Mike Lemire stars in a song-and-dance routine about Internet memes. It very briefly highlights some of the most popular memes throughout the Internet’s history, even hitting the oldie-but-goodie “Hamster Dance.”

Just 5,000 views in, the video was already tanking with a ratio of more than 3:1 “Thumbs Down” votes on YouTube. By this evening, though the views had increased to 15,000, HubSpot elected to turn off YouTube’s Like bar, blocking new viewers from seeing the clear indication of backlash. In typical fashion, commenters were brutal. One writes, “I hope Amazon has mindsoap.”

The problem is a clear disconnect between the video’s creators and the living, breathing pulse of the Internet. To use dead, unfunny memes from ten years ago in a piece of branded entertainment reeks of trying too hard and comes off as another lame attempt to create a viral video.

As inbound marketing gurus themselves, HubSpot must recognize the ridiculousness of trying to create a viral video simply from reusable content like cut-and-paste scenes from “Gangnam Style” and “Harlem Shake.”

Here is an example of rehashing memes done right:

What’s the difference? YouTube’s Rewind is a true remix, chock-full of new content and timed perfectly to encapsulate a year’s worth of viral videos. A stand-alone package that can’t help but make you smile as you reminiscence.

Brands who release branded entertainment will be held to a higher standard than individuals who have no profit motive. HubSpot’s attempt falls short of this standard, and for that, it received a clear answer to the question, “What Does The Web Say?”

My Latest Passion: Rise of Mythos

I started playing Rise of Mythos (Formerly called Kings and Legends) nine days ago, and I believe it’s one of the most unique and interesting games out there.

It’s a unique take on the Trading Card Game concept, and it takes some inspiration from Magic: The Gathering, another game I have enjoyed playing in the past. The premise is simple: build a “deck” (creatures and skills that you intend to play), draw two cards, and play none, one, or both of them. Your creatures, played in your own backfield, will advance along a 2×10 grid until they reach your opponent’s backfield. As your opponent plays creatures, you will engage in a tug-of-war around the center to see who will gain the advantage.
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Back to Basics: A Simple Solution to Addressable Display Advertising

Might advertisers one day be able to deliver more relevant advertising based on what you say on Twitter? Signs point to yes.

While writing my most recent paper, Psychographic Targeting and Messaging Customization, I tested an algorithm that identifies powerful drivers of purchase intent in the automobile category, psychological factors like narcissism, risk orientation, and social comparison bias via textual analysis.

My results show three things:

  1. These simple factors may be more predictive of purchase intent than demographics or behavior, the two most commonly used targeting methods,
  2. It is possible to identify and quantify psychological factors, like narcissism, by a textual analysis of a user’s Twitter feed, and
  3. That, having identified which users are more receptive to certain messages, we can deliver segmented messaging to these users leveraging the psychological factors that drive purchase decisions.

The research, a combination of qualitative research and two quantitative surveys, identifies the step-by-step method by which an brand in any category can identify psychological motivators of purchase in their particular category and segment the audience via psychographics, rather than demographics or behavior.

Read the full paper here.

I am, as it were, an unemployed recent grad looking for a gig in ad tech. See my resume.

Biohacking, or: My Quest For Superpowers

By visiting the Biohacking article on, viewing, accessing or otherwise using any of the services or information created, collected, compiled or submitted to, you agree to be bound by the following Terms and Conditions of Service. If you do not want to be bound by our Terms your only option is not to visit, view or otherwise use the services of You understand, agree and acknowledge that these Terms constitute a legally binding agreement between you and and that your use of shall indicate your conclusive acceptance of this agreement.

Terms: If you are not a representative of my insurance company, please click “Read More.” I am not responsible for what happens to you if you follow in my footsteps. I am not a role model.
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